Liz Fisk



Supporting Those Affected by Suicide

Elizabeth Fisk

(The Mercury, June 21,2005)
Learning about the grief of those experiencing the death of someone to suicide, and learning how to provide him or her with understanding and support, is a new exper- ience for me. Many people are touched by suicide, however in the course of our daily lives we often do not grasp that significance.

Grief is as unique as the individual who is experiencing it. Background, circum- stances and one's relationship to the individual that died of suicide all have an effect.
Though each of these journeys through grief is unique, there are general similarities in how society responds to suicide survivors and many of the feelings survivors may have. Their range of emotions can include guilt -- that somehow they themselves were responsible or did not do enough; fear -- that someone else in the family or friends may look to suicide as an option; and anger -- that the death was somehow a personal rejection of them or any help they may have provided.

Layer over these feeling an ancient societal taboo regarding suicide and many survivors also cope with feelings of shame or inadequacy. They often suffer alone and in silence. Though survivors have caring friends or family, these individuals may not provide support in appropriate or helpful ways, or they may hesitate, afraid of saying or doing something wrong.

A friend who is not judgmental, does not rationalize the suicide or make inappropriate comments is most helpful. Unfortunately, loneliness can often be the companion of a suicide survivor. Well-intentioned friends, who are afraid of using the word suicide or causing further pain, may not call or visit. Survivors will tell you they would often prefer to speak to someone who is awkward, than deal with the silence.

Locally, some of the groups who provide support to suicide survivors include the Distress Centre and Hospice Wellington. Initially, some survivors find they prefer a one-to-one situation, like a telephone conversation with a trained listener, to begin exploring the hurt, pain and sorrow they are feeling. By listening with attention and acceptance, a trained listener or a helpful friend should reflect back to the survivor their feeling of loss.

Often as survivors journey through their grieving process they embrace either personal or group counselling. Suicide support groups, such as those held at Hospice Wellington several times a year, help individuals find the path to grieving in healthy ways. By understanding that a death by suicide shatters the lives of the survivors, we learn that survivors need to reconstruct their own lives at their own speed and in their own way.

Just as important as learning to support survivors of suicide, is the effort of creating awareness about suicide prevention and the educational opportunities that would support such an effort. Later this year, a local event called The Walk is focusing on just such a mission.

This initiative of Jaellayna Palmer, who lost her father to suicide five years ago, and Randa Yacoub is quickly gaining support. Beginning the night of August 20, groups of walkers will follow all or part of a 32-kilometre route from Riverside Park to the Arboretum at the University of Guelph. What makes this event so special is that it starts at sundown and ends at sun-up.

Patterned after a similar event held in Washington, D.C., in 2002, The Walk inspires a sense of awe, reflection and camaraderie. It provides friends and families of those who experienced the death of a loved one by suicide an opportunity to honour their memories with dignity and to provide support to those who are dealing with grief.

The event promises to be uplifting not sombre, with several opportunities to share stories, reflect on the lives of loved ones and make new friendships. For Palmer, The Walk is a gift she can give to the other walkers. Within a safe and secure environment that caters to the physical comfort of the participants, this event will be about the walkers, their families and friends.

With The Walk, Palmer focuses her energies towards helping others learn about suicide, its prevention and allows them to have an opportunity to express their feelings. Randa Yacoub, her friend and co-coordinator, provides the kind of support everyone wants to give a friend who has dealt with the pain of suicide.

What they have done with this initiative is provide many of us with a similar opportunity to be supportive and helpful to those we know and care about. We have the opportunity to do that by either volunteering to help with The Walk, or we can be a walker. Better still, we can organize a group of walkers who will send a message of understanding and support to suicide survivors we know.

I encourage everyone to consider participating in some way to support this inspirational effort. You can learn more about The Walk and how you can participate at www.thewalk.ca or by calling 519-836-4145.



Elizabeth Fisk, is a member of the Boards of Hospice Wellington and Community Torchlight Distress Centre Wellington/Dufferin. She is a member of the Mercury's Community Editorial Board.